there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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