I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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