We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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