mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
