the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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