A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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