My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
