She said her name was "party"
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm sobbing to NWA
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
