I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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