you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
this just has baby written all over it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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