And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
