Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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