she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
