The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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