I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
