she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
