the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
