just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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