Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
