I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
