go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
