Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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