Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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