There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
