My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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