mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
