so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
