Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
