hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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