Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
