the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
