I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We're too hungover to prance.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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