I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
there is glitter all over my balls
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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