He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
