3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
