Where did you get a picture of my penis
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
