my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
