how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
