You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
