I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
