so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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