When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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