I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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