my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
two words...techno handjob
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
