South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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