In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
