Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
