I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
