Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
