I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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